I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity. - Ellen DeGeneres
Life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they'll, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with. - Ellen DeGeneres
...if you want to add a little spice to your life, plant some dill. And learn to salsa. - Ellen DeGeneres
Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about. - Ellen DeGeneres
For me, it's that I contributed, ... That I'm on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That's to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life. - Ellen DeGeneres
The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too. - Ellen DeGeneres
The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed. - Ellen DeGeneres
What you look like on the outside is not what makes you cool at all. I mean, I had a mullet and wore parachute pants for a long, long time, and I'm doin' okay. - Ellen DeGeneres
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. - Ellen DeGeneres
We use 10 percent of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60 percent. - Ellen DeGeneres
Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work. - Ellen DeGeneres
One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine. - Ellen DeGeneres
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. - Ellen DeGeneres
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres
Why should I pay strangers to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk? - Ellen Degeneres
I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!" I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!' - Ellen DeGeneres
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that. - Ellen DeGeneres
Procrastinate now, don't put it off. - Ellen DeGeneres
I was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves. - Ellen DeGeneres
Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that. - Ellen DeGeneres
Be kind to one another. Bye, bye. - Ellen DeGeneres
Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off. - Ellen DeGeneres
I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.' - Ellen DeGeneres
Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas. - Ellen DeGeneres
Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most. - Ellen DeGeneres
Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it. - Ellen DeGeneres
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. - Ellen DeGeneres
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is. - Ellen DeGeneres
You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled. - Ellen DeGeneres
They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over. - Ellen DeGeneres
I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before. - Ellen DeGeneres
You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful. - Ellen DeGeneres
Don't give advice. It will come back and bite you in the [butt]. Don't take anyone's advice. So, my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine. - Ellen DeGeneres
I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. That's really why I do what I do. - Ellen DeGeneres
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble. - Ellen DeGeneres
Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log. - Ellen DeGeneres
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres
Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others. - Ellen DeGeneres